Life Lately

A Cheating Husband, Herpes and over 100 Followers!

From the period you received my last letter to this moment, so many things came to annoy me and did so successfully.

First, Olumide Macaulay from SGIT tonguing another woman that is not Tiwa. This right here ruined my entire week. Many of us following the show have come to eulogize that relationship. Yeah, it’s only a show but then there are people like me who have followed and become so invested to the point where Tiwa and Mide’s relationship give us hope that love without nyama-nyama, cheating and mind-games actually exist.

I was already telling world people ntoorh, but the producers of the show came to show us that life is a pot of hot beans😐.

Secondly, Capitalism has been kicking my lirru behind. April has been crawling, Nepa has sent me out of the house my parents paid for, and in the most shocking way possible, I discovered that someone (that may or may not be me) can eat just twice daily and not die, Wow! Shocking!🤯

I’ve tried writing to you on five different occasions but only ended up with five incomplete stories that no one may ever get to read.

My phone shattered when I was doing kontet kreation, and then my office bestie gave me a tripod, another way of saying “scatter-everywhere-but-not-your-screen” (shout out to Princess). I made a post on Whatsapp and someone asked me to shoot a video where I talk about ‘boy and girl relationship’ and I don’t even know where to begin🤦🏽‍♀️.

Wait! Do you people know that you can get herpes through kissing? (Laughs in disease) Anukwam that e no get cure.

So for you kissing anybody you see, you look into their eyes and the next thing, face dey approach face, you dey lock lips. Keep it up. Please don’t stop🙂

Tomorrow when we see nonsense around your lips don’t argue that it’s fever because we know fever and we know WHO YOU ARE!!

Also, for those of you that kiss people’s babies I want to warn you specially. Do not carry the eze ule that you use to chew garlic, drink Dr Iguedo and different things that cannot be mentioned to kiss someone’s baby. Babies are delicate and prone to infections. No dey kiss person pikin, don’t even peck, don’t blow kisses because your mouth may be smelling and you could just end up taking the poor child’s breath away. 

Go and kiss your mans and collect herpes. Leave babies alone. They did nothing wrong😬. I’m writing this because Chisom Nnamani, (the one that identifies as Chioma’s Sister and a dada carrying female) said during Easter holidays, in the presence of our Nigerian mother: “Chioma, Mummy’s hands are itching to smack the buttocks of her grandchildren. Do the needful and make her wishes come true” You can only imagine my mother’s reaction but that’s not the point. I’ve decided to grant their request but first, I’ll discuss with Chisom and Mama Chioma so that they’ll tell me the flavor of Grandchild they want; Black or White, Sweetened or Plain, In Holy Matrimony or Out of Wedlock. Then I’ll prepare adequately🌚. I don’t want you coming to visit and kissing my baby so that the baby’s grandmother doesn’t use the hand for smacking baby butt to smack your face instead.

Ebuka, I know you asked for a video of me talking about ‘boys and girls relationship’ but instead I gave you herpes. No, No, you just read that sentence the wrong way. I mean, I wrote about herpes instead. I deeply apologize. I’ll do worse next time.

Dear reader, you can send a newsletter request. Something you want me to write about. You can do this in the comment section or send it to the email attached to this newsletter chiomannamani701@gmail.com and I’ll happily oblige. Thank you for over 100 Substack Followers🙌🏼❤️

Adios for now.